One Year

It's been one year.  I didn't want to know the actual date but my brother went and put it on facebook so now I'll always remember December 4th. 

Her halter is back in my room.  Artemis outgrew it a couple months ago so now it's hanging on my closet door.  It was never Artemis' halter, it will always be Cas' halter. 

So far, it hasn't gotten any easier.  I miss her and think of her often but my own injury has made me glad I decided to end her pain.  At least I can understand why I hurt and I know it'll go away one day.  She didn't have that. 

Thank You

I just wanted to thank everyone, the support from so many people has been overwhelming.  I can't thank everyone enough for your kind words, you don't know it means to me.  All of your comments made me cry and I've read them over several times.  Thank you so much for your support, I know I've never met most of you but it means so much to me.

I've been hiding in my own little hole for the last few days.  I haven't been talking about her much but she's on my mind all the time.  I've been out to the stable twice now.  I know it's ridiculous and silly, but I told both Artemis and Socks.  I know they can't understand what I'm saying but it was just something I needed to do.  There was no reaction from them, of course, since they don't know what I'm saying to them.  I didn't want to be at the stable the first night.  I thought I did but when I got there all I wanted to do was go home.  Seeing Socks was the hardest, not only is she Cas' mother but Cas inherited her blaze.  And seeing that, well it was hard.  Tonight was better.  We were only there to drop off a cheque so we only saw the ponies for a few minutes, but it was much better.  Socks came right over when she saw us and it wasn't upsetting to me this time.  I'm going back out on Friday and I'm looking forward to it. 

I've brought home Cas' halter because I feel like if any horse is going to use it, it should be her little sister.  Artemis is too small for it right now but she'll grow into it eventually.  I do have part of Cas' mane, when I roached her mane a while ago, my sister took what I cut off and braided it for me.  I am very glad for it. 

I've been avoiding looking at pictures but I broke down tonight and did.  I want to share a few and by a few I'm sure it'll be too many. 

This was the first picture I ever saw of her.  I wasn't there when she was born but my sister was.  My sister spent over three hours on the phone to me, describing every little detail about Cas to me, and telling me every little thing she did. 

Nobody believed me that her little tiny spots would probably get bigger and she'd be more spotted as she got older.  Cas showed them.

This is one of my favourite pictures of her.  She was a few weeks old here and I'd been with her for two hours, trying to get a picture of her running around.  I finally gave up and walked away and just before I was out of sight, she started running around, bucking and rearing.

This was the first time I saw her.  She kept running in circles around her mom and wouldn't let anyone touch her.

This is one of my favourite pictures I've ever taken.  Cas had come on the ride with us and by the time we got to the river she was tuckered out.  She took a long nap and only when she got up and started running around did we ride home.

This was from her first summer.  She was almost completely gray but by the fall she was bay again.  She was after all, my rainbow pony.

Cas and Fonda, they were inseperable and he's probably the only other living thing that's going to miss her as much as I will.  They're always together and it break my heart to think of him without her.

This is how Cas liked to have her feet done.  She decided she wanted to take a nap halfway through and just dropped.

 There are so many more I could share.  I'm sorry for all the pictures.  She was such a great horse, with so much spirit and personality.  It still hurts, a lot but at least I know she won't be in pain.  I promised her when we found out there as nothing we could do that I would not let her be in pain and I am glad I kept that promise.

The Hardest Thing About Horses

This post is the hardest one I've had to write.  I've been waiting until I'm calmer but this is as calm as I'll be for a while.  I've had a very long, hard day and I both want to go to bed because I'm both emotionally and physically exhausted but I also don't want to sleep because I know it's all I'm going to think about and probably dream about. 

As soon as I saw her I knew.  I spent time with her today and it just proved that it was the right thing to do.  She's gone through a growth spurt lately and with that, the angle of her leg has gotten even worse.  My dad lives two hours north of me so he doesn't get the chinooks that I do.  Once the snow hits, it's usually there to stay and that can mean several feet of snow just out in the field, not counting how much snow there can be in the trees.  She just wouldn't be able to make it through another long, cold winter in that much snow.  Her leg can't hold up for another winter.  I could put her in a stall and leave her there, but she'd hate her life and it would only delay it.  She can't be healed, she'll only ever get even worse.  She lasted a year longer than the vets thought she would.

She's sick of being bothered.  She tries to bite if you attempt to lift up her bad leg and even with her other ones now, she doesn't want them to be touched.  She just wants to be left alone and to have people stop messing with her.  She's even touchy about being brushed.  She just seems like she's sick of being harassed.

I said my goodbyes to her today.  I won't be there when it happens.  I live two hours away and we cannot wait for me to be up again in two-three weeks.  I spent several hours with her, sometimes it was just the two of us, sometimes Jillian and Sommer were there too.  I hugged her a lot and cried a lot.  I took lots of pictures of her and my sister took some of Cas and I, since I have only a few of us.  I felt morbid the entire time. 

She bit me three times in true Cas fashion.  I've tried her entire life but I've never been able to get her to stop biting.  She bit Sommer once and wouldn't stand still.  She still tolerated hugs though, like she always does.  The whole day I was either laughing or crying.  She was the same Cas she's always been.  She didn't care that I was upset, she was annoyed she couldn't go back out in the field. 

I brushed her one last time and fed her some sweet feed.  I took pictures of her leg to remind myself that this was the right decision, because I know there will be times when I doubt that.  I took her out to her field and hugged her one last time.  I let her go and she didn't run like she used to, she just walked away calmly.  She didn't look back at me.  I watched her go until I was distracted for just a second.  I looked back and she was gone, down over a rise.  I kept hoping she'd come back  up but she didn't.  I told myself it was very metaphorical and then I hated myself for thinking that. 

I just keep praying that this was the right decision.  She wasn't even three yet and it'll always bother me that I'll never get to know what she would have been like when she was older.  I'll never know what colour she would have ended up to be, I'll never know if I could suceed in getting her mane to grow.  I'll never know if I could get her to stop biting.  She was the first foal I've ever dealt with, she was my first foal and she wasn't at all what I expected.  She truly taught me that you get what you need, not what you want.  She wasn't the foal I imagined but she let me know she cared in her own little ways. 

I could go on forever about this horse.  She has more personality than any horse I've ever met.  You don't have to get to know her well to know exactly what she's like.  She became known as The Demon, both for her "tempermental" disposition and for her long and interesting namesake.  I keep going through moments where I feel like I've made the right decision, and moments where I'm certain that she would be fine and a miracle would happen. 

I love this horse and I will always love her, no matter how much time passes.  She was a nobody to the horse world, a crippled, mean, "fugly" animal but she is amazing.  This wasn't how it was supposed to happen, it shouldn't have ended this way.

Nothing Can Be Done

I finally got news about Cas and it isn't good.  There isn't anything can be done so now the only thing left is to see if she's in pain or not.  If she isn't in pain, then the advice we've gotten is to leave her for now and watch her carefully.  If she is in pain, well, I'm not going to let her keep on living in pain.  I'm going to go see her next weekend and we'll decide then I guess. 

I don't really know what to say.  I've known almost her whole life that we would have to put her down early and I've always tried to prepare myself for this, but I guess I didn't do a very good job.  I never got to hang out with her or work with her like I do with Artemis, but she's still Socks first baby and she's still one of the greatest horses I know.  Maybe not the nicest but I love her for her big and extreme personality. 

I've been trying really hard not to think about this lately because it's just, too painful to and I honestly don't know how I feel about it.  I hate knowing that she'll never get to live her full life and I'll never know what she'll be like once she's older, but I just can't let her live in pain. 

I don't know how much you guys know about her injury because I don't like to talk about it and the vets who have seen her don't agree on the same cause.  Basically though, she likely broke her fetlock when she was young, but in a way that she was still able to move on it.  We had no idea, it didn't look strange or anything, and since I don't get to spend a lot of time up there, if she was limping, I had no idea. 

Her fetlock than healed wrong and it began to fuse together.  This is where it gets a little bit confusing, and I'm sorry but please bare with me.  It's been over a year since the vet told me and I was pretty upset when he did.  Basically because of the injury, on one side of her leg, the bone began to grow faster than on the other side, which is what has caused the angle in her leg. 

Here was her foot in the summer of 2010.  You can already see that her leg is a little weird (right front). 

Here is an X-ray of her leg that was taken in October 2010. Her leg is at a 14 degree angle, which is not good, at all.  The vet was surprised by the angle of her leg. 

This was from either Febuary or March 2011, I forget which one.  I apologize because it isn't quite straight on so you can't get a good idea, but even so you can see a difference from the picture taken in the summer of 2010.  And her leg is worse now, but I couldn't bring myself to take a picture of it lately. 

She is owned by both my brother and I, and long ago we decided that as long as she was painfree and happy, she could live out in the pasture and be like any other horse.  But once she was in pain, we weren't going to let her suffer.  My brother saw her last weekend and now it's my turn.  He's waiting for what I think about it and honestly, I just hope I'm strong enough to make the right decision.  I love her and I really don't want to let her go, but I promised her I wouldn't let her be in pain.

Right now that is the biggest question.  I get told all the time that she is doing horrible, but it doesn't add up to what my siblings and I see, and what I am told by other people.  Unfortuantly my main source of information comes from somebody who doesn't believe you should keep a horse that is not rideable, so the information I recieve from them is not entirely accurate and never has been.  Hopefully next weekend I will see for myself.

Sad

I should find out tomorrow if we have to put Cas down.  My brother is speaking to some experts tomorrow and depending on what they say, we'll know what we have to do.  I hope next time I write it will be with good news. 

More Rain

I know this post has nothing to do with Cas, but I feel she needs more picture time in this blog.  She is Artemis' big sister after all, and my first baby pony.  Cas is in her silver/bay roan stage right now.  I expect in a few weeks she'll be gray again, like last summer. 

It was still raining last night but we went out to the stable anyway.  We caught Socks and Artemis pretty quickly and brought them into the barn.  Kali's owner and the evil June mare's (I don't know her name but she looks like June and is a horribly mean mare) owner were there to ride.  While they rode we took a long time grooming and saddling up Socks.  When I was lifting one of Artemis' front feet, she put one of her back feet in the tack box, and spooked when it flung up and hit her leg.  She jumped forward, which flung the tack box and it's contents back, right into Socks, who hadn't been paying attention so it scared her half to death.  She tried to jump away, but slipped on the floor and couldn't get a grip.  Luckily my horse is pretty calm and stopped as soon as I called her name.  Once everyone was calmed down and we made sure there were no injuries, it was actually kind of funny.  It was my fault, I had Artemis too close to the tack box, and when I picked up her front leg, she swung away from me and that's how she stepped into it.  Luckily no one was hurt and none of our things broke. 

When they finished riding we took Socks and Artemis in.  I rode while my mom watched.  The two girls came over to watch Artemis runs.  Everyone does and I don't mind, but lately it makes me feel very self-conscious of my riding, even though I know nobody watches me.  I'm very out of practice and Socks and I are out of synch lately, it's frustrating.  Artemis had fun though, she has to be in front of her mother or else she bucks and neighs at us.  She always cuts corners to get ahead.

On an off note, my mom and I saw Super 8 tonight.  It has been a very long time since I've enjoyed a movie as much as I enjoyed that one.  There is nothing major I can fault it for.  It is definitly a movie you should see in theatres though, if you want the full experience.  I liked it most for it's suspense, you don't know anymore than what the kids know.  All in all, I really enjoyed it.