I Rode

You read that right, I finally got to ride again.  I had a doctor's appointment last Friday.  I only see my doctor every two months now so I figured I might as well ask him although I was expecting his answer to be no.  I was surprised.  He actually said yes.  I can only walk on her for now and I can work up to doing more. 

So on Saturday my mom and I went out.  We caught Socks, who was actually kind of weird from the start, and my mom saddled her up.  My mom held her at the mounting block while I got on, very awkwardly, and walked beside us for the first lap.  There was a lesson with two people going on in the arena at the same time so she couldn't stay in with me, but she stood at the gate watching.

And now for the reason I've been avoiding writing this post for a few days, it was terrifying and horrible disappointing.  I didn't hesitate getting on Socks because I knew that if I did, I wouldn't be able to do it.  I've spent so much time in the past four months telling myself it wasn't the horse's fault (which it wasn't, I truly believe that) it was an accident.  I kept telling myself that I'd be fine on Socks, I didn't fall off of her, we've been partners for nine years and she'll take care of me. 

It couldn't stop the horrible anxiety I felt.  I honestly could barely breathe.  I had to focus on breathing and trying to calm myself down.  I thought I'd get better once I actually started to ride.  It just got worse.  I made myself stay on her but I was ready to get off after one lap. 

Socks was as great as I could hope for, but it was obvious she was picking up on my anxiety, although I think everyone in the barn could feel how nervous I was.  She kept herself either pressed up against the wall so my leg dragged against, or ten feet away from it.  She didn't shake her head or try to trot, she just wasn't going to walk right where I wanted her to. 

In a way, that actually helped me a little bit.  It annoyed me and it forced me to get strict with her and get her to walk where I wanted.  I actually forgot about being terrified for a second and focused on her.  It didn't last, but at least I know I can do it.  And my right arm, the broken arm, is so weak.  I tried to ride a lap holding my reins in my right hand and I couldn't do it, it was too weak to hold up for that long. 

I wore a splint on my arm, just to give a little extra support.  I don't think I will next time because taking off the splint was actually much more painful than riding was.  I also talked to my physiotherapist about it and he didn't feel that I would need to wear it.

On Thursday we'll be going back out and barring any more pain than usual, I'll be riding again.  I'm really nervous for it, because our stable owners will be back and will most likely be at the barn, as will most of our barn friends, if this is like any other Thursday.  It's stupid, but I am actually nervous about having people watch me ride.

All this said, I know one day I'll be able to ride her without being terrified.  I will keep getting back on her until I'm not afraid.  I hope it won't take too long, I don't want to subject Socks to my fears any longer than I have to.

Also, I said actually way too many times in this.