Anger

I don't even know what to say.  I'm just so sick of everything.  I feel like I've gotten my fair share of bad luck lately and it's time for someone else to get it.  Needless to say, I'm having a bad day.

Today was my first non-training shift at my new job, and in the last five minutes of my shift, I got a text from my dad.  My dog was hit by a truck today and killed.  I loved her so much, I mean, I know everyone loves their dog, but it was Si.  When my brother and I were little we always dreamt of owning a ranch together and we would always draw what we wanted it to look like, from the front yard, to the house, to the horse would own and the dog we would each have.  The dog I would always draw was identical to Si, except Si didn't have a white mark on her forehead and I always drew my dream dog with it.  Other than that, they were exactly the same.  She was just a great dog, she was so smart with the horses, she was awesome in the city or the country and she was great with kids.  I could go on about her all day.

I have nothing but hate for the guy who did this and the company he works with.  My dad does not live far out of town, he is on a busy country road that has a lot of children and animals on it.  And the men from this company go speeding down this road at over 100 km/h.  We've put up Children at Play signs, signs begging them to slow down.  We've even hailed them over to the side of the road and asked them to slow down but nothing has worked.  The guy who hit my dog hit her, got half way up the road before he finally turned around to "apologize" by blaming my dog.  My dad lost it on him, although frankly he was much kinder than I would have been. 

The road was built right through the farm's front yard, the houses are right on the road on one side, and the barn is right on the road on the other side.  Children are there constantly, what if it had been one of the grandkids, like Sommer, instead of Si?  This company leaves gates open all the time so that horses and cattle escape.  I cannot tell you how many times we've had to call in to report open gates and speeding vehicles but nothing ever changes.  And now they've killed my dog.

I'm, so upset, I can't even begin to describe how upset I am, but I'm just angry now too.  I am sick of this.  I'm still trying to deal with Cas, I've only been up to my dad's once since she died, one of the big reasons being I can't stand being there without her.  I keep going to call her in the field, I look for her beside Fonda, I see her green blanket and I just start crying.  I can't deal with it.  Just the other day I was talking to my brother about him clipping feet and I told him to remember to trim Cas' foot.  This was followed by an awkward silence.

In the past three months I've lost my dog and my Cas.  Not to mention everything else that's been going on about that I've tried not to rant about.   I've started probably close to a dozen posts about other things in my life that I just end up deleting because I'm trying to keep this about Artemis but I'm starting to lose it.  Why do I keep losing animals?  We love and take care of our animals and yet we always seem to lose them, while certain people I know provide the bare minimum, and barely that, and their animals just can't seem to die no matter what happens.  I mean, I don't wish death on anything or anyone, I really don't, but I'm tired of this. 

I'm tired of a certain woman who keeps trying to truck our horses off to the auction, I'm tired of certain people taking advantage of my family members and then trying to make us feel bad about it.  I'm tired of everyone brushing off anything I have to say about horses because mine are now at a stable so I've obviously become too "citified" and don't know the first thing about horses anymore.

I'm sick of how insensitive people are being about Cas.  No, she's not the first horse to die but she was important to me and I miss her.  Making jokes about having her stuffed and given to me for Christmas is not, and will never be okay.  When she was alive all people did was make me feel bad for keeping her alive, and now that she's gone, the same people try to make me feel as though I didn't give her a chance. 

I'm sorry for this rant, I really am but I am just one big ball of anger right now.  Does that guy even care that he killed somebody's dog?  It won't slow them down.  All I can hope for is that next time it isn't a child.  With the exception of two people, my mother and my best friend, I can't even mention Cas to others because they change the subject, tell me how yeah babies die and because of that they can say whatever they want about Cas, no matter how upsetting and cruel, or they go into great detail about how exactly she did die.  I can't tell most people I know what I do with Artemis because clearly I'm doing it wrong because I'm too "city" or I'm just trying to show off. 

And as a side rant, I hate that texting has become an appropriate medium for sending bad news.  I could barely make it through the last minutes of my shift to getting out on the street to call my best friend and cry.

I'm just so angry about this.  I still can't really belive she's gone, it hasn't set in yet but I'm so angry about it.  Cas was bad, Cas is bad, I still miss her all the time but at least she wasn't because of some stupid idiot whose too self-absorbed to even consider slowing down as he speeds through the MIDDLE of someone's yard.    I know I keep saying this but what if that had been a child?  My dad was standing on the side of the road when Si was hit, and trust me, you have to be blind not to see someone standing on the side of the road. 

Si was usually pretty good about the road but today there was a coyote up in the pens.  She took off and he was going much too fast.  It killed her instantly.